Positive parenting is fundamentally about developing a strong and deeply committed relationship between parent and child. The theory relies heavily on what we have learned about attachment and how we can use it beneficially. The more that we work against attachment in the relationship, the harder parenting becomes. There are some core positive parenting principles that I will explain in this article and my hope is to provide positive parenting tips for healthy child development.
Positive parenting is fundamentally about picking your battles as a parent. The more times that you decide to trust the instincts of your child, believe in their inherent wisdom and see them as doing their best and coming from a place of love, the more you invest the relationship with a powerful sense of trust. The human nervous system is designed to protect us from danger, and the child who feels that their parent is overly critical begins to experience their parent as threatening. This in turn causes the child to want to pull away and resist the parent’s attempts at closeness. This is very easy to see as so many people as they grow older have a strong desire to put distance between themselves and their parents. While some of this is just natural maturation, a lot of it is the result of parents taking a consistently negative approach to situations over and over again.
The reason attachment is so important to understand in this regard is that fundamentally, the child wants you to see them as trustworthy and good. The more times that we genuinely work hard as parents to put aside our own worry and judgement and make room for our children, the more they come to recognize the hard work that we are investing in their own development. This makes them inherently willing to listen and they are not overwhelmed by our overtures throughout their development. The late British paediatrician Donald Winnicott described a negative process of impingement where the parent is constantly intruding into a child’s life and we have to work against that and recognize when we are dealing with our own fears by being intrusive into our children’s lives.
There are some core principles to observe that can greatly help in this regard:
- Attachment
- Recognize that because of attachment, your words and actions towards your child mean a great deal. They experience being pushed as hurtful.
- Remember to see children as inherently good, even when they make mistakes or do things that are inconvenient and frustrating.
- Respect
-
- Treat your child as you would like to be treated or the way you would treat a best friend.
- Would you force your friend to finish their food at dinner? Would you make a friend wear a sweater outside if they say they aren’t cold? Would you make your friend go swimming with you if they said they didn’t want to?
- Just because you are the parent, does not give you the right to go against your child’s instincts in most situations (of course when it comes to safety, often we need to make difficult decisions depending on a child’s age, but these are situations are much fewer than you think).
- Proactive Parenting
- Parents need to take the lead when it comes to repairing conflict. Children absolutely cannot be the ones to be expected to handle difficult situations.
- If you have a fight with your spouse, if you yell at your child when you are tired and frustrated, if there is a stressful situation such as the death of a loved one, the parent needs to hold the child in mind and create room for their emotional experience.
- What this means in practical terms, is to take the initiative to apologize, explain adult situations in language children can understand and anticipate their confusion if they need to deal with big emotions.
- Empathy
- One of the main functions of parenting is to help the growing brain of the child learn increasingly sophisticated language for their inner worlds.
- The way this is achieved is through the parent showing constant curiosity about the child’s experience.
- This is not always easy for the parent, as the child is constantly developing and the parent has never experienced many situations, so it is vital for the parent to continually reflect on what is new and challenging for them.
- Positive Discipline
- The truth is, when a strong attachment is in place, there is not much need for discipline as such.
- The main point to remember is children already feel things deeply when they make a mistake or cause disappointment. We do not need to add to their pain, but rather hold them in their distress.
- If we can restrain ourselves from pointing out their failures, but rather be an ally to them when things don’t go right, they will develop a natural willingness to repair with us.
- Lastly, distancing ourselves from our children when we are upset is incredibly damaging, as it promotes isolation, which is toxic for the human nervous system. As much as possible, choose inclusive ways of communicating your feelings and values.
We have come a long way from a time when parents could behave in an indiscriminately hierarchical manner and take a top-down approach to raising children. Many societies have not only changed in this regard, but research into the development of human beings has demonstrated that the parent who can maintain an unconditionally positive regard for the child gives an incredible gift. The more supported a human being feels, the greater the change they will not develop attachment disorders which can cause significant difficulties in interpersonal relationships; they will grow into adults who have a basic sense of their own worth which is indispensable in the long term.
This was so helpful. My son has just turned 1 year old and I’m trying my best to understand the world from his perspective and how I can support that journey, being mindful of my own anxieties and the way I was raised. Thank you for your insightful work.
canadian pharmacy ezzz viagra how to get prescribed viagra is cialis better than viagra
cialis overnight online cialis no prescription canada buy cialis with dapoxetine
fenbendazole and ivermectin combination who ivermectin ivermectin tablet 1mg
is ivermax the same as ivermectin ivermectin 24 mg mectizan stromectol
buy cialis 10 tab buy cialis no prescription overnight cialis with daproxene
Okcialstorm.com generic cialis cipla cialis pills pictures
amoxicillin order online no prescription cost of amoxicillin amoxicillin 500mg capsule buy online
clomid iui buy clomid tablet can i purchase clomid over the counter
can we buy amoxcillin 500mg on ebay without prescription buy amoxicillin 500mg uk amoxicillin for sale
buy clomid paypal buy clomid online paypal purchase clomid 100mg
home remedies for ed ed pills that work quickly non prescription ed drugs
generic clomid clomid tablets online buy clomid nz
medicine for erectile how can i order prescription drugs without a doctor ed pumps
pharmacy drugs mens ed natural ed remedies
best canadian pharmacy online shots for ed canadian drug prices
ed aids erectile dysfunction natural remedies ed meds online without doctor prescription
prednisone buy online nz 25 mg prednisone can i purchase prednisone without a prescription
cialis paypal australia indian cialis cialis with dapoxetine
brand cialis usa blood pressure on cialis order cialis online nb canada
ivermectin rash ivermectin 2mg ivermectin dosage for humans scabies
valley vet ivermectin can ivermectin be given orally
amoxicillin without a doctor’s prescription how to help ed vitality ed pills
which ed drug is best buying ed pills online viagra without doctor prescription
prednisone over the counter uk prednisone 10 mg online cost of prednisone 5mg tablets
cialis con alimentos best price for daily cialis cialis patient assistance
cialis in canada fast shipping cialis viragecialis
cialis cvs cialis usa prescription cialis comparison
the best ed drug mens ed pills ed pills cheap
is ivermectin safe for humans ivermectin toxicity stromectol sales
propecia online pharmacy propecia for hair loss propecia 5mg sale
ed meds online canada ed meds online without doctor prescription best canadian pharmacy online
how to get prescription drugs without doctor buy prescription drugs from canada cheap ed prescription drugs
prescription drugs prescription drugs canada buy online how can i order prescription drugs without a doctor
buy prescription drugs from india ed meds online without doctor prescription non prescription ed drugs
india pharmacies shipping to usa overseas pharmacies online cheap generic drugs from india
stromectol without a doctor prescription buy stromectol online stromectol without a doctor prescription
non prescription ed drugs ed drugs list new ed drugs
online purchase of tadalafil in india price of cialis 20 mg lowest price tadalafil
cialis tadalafil cialis pharmacy
buy clomid 50mg buy clomid 50mg buy clomid 50mg
stromectol 12 mg tablets stromectol for humans for sale stromectol for humans for sale
stromectol for sale stromectol without a doctor prescription ivermectin without a doctor prescription
clomid tablets for sale buy clomid 50mg online clomid for sale canada
stromectol tablets for humans stromectol 12 mg tablets ivermectin for dogs
ivermectin chewy stromectol side effects stromectol for sale
stromectol for sale ivermectin for ferrets stromectol for sale